The Cost of Dreaming

So, this is not my first rodeo. I’ve started and abandoned several blogs. The common factor through them all is my terrible lack of consistency in posting. I’m sorry. It’s probably going to continue but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, on to the matter at hand. I started this project to talk about the struggles revolving around a lack of funds. Well, over the past year I’ve discovered an issue rarely talked about: the vast expense of being a dreamer.

Obviously I don’t mean that literally. Dreams are free, so are nightmares, what fun! I’m referring to the residual cost of wanting only the big, the beautiful, and the excellent in life. When you don’t settle for mediocre you tend to take a lot of time trying to figure out what works best. I don’t settle and I’ll try anything to reach the end goal of finding where I fit, which means my sometimes unrealistic expectations often lead me far off course. So far I’ve had to pay a hefty price.

Let’s address what that price may entail.

TIME:

The most limited commodity of all. When you’re constantly searching and sifting to find your passion you spend a lot of your time. You can never get any of that back. Some people know what they want out of life from the very beginning, and that’s awesome, but not all of us are that lucky.

I spent 4 years in college majoring in journalism, only to come out with my degree and no interest in pursuing it. From there I spent a few months doing social media, also not my passion. After that I spent a year in service. From there another year in sales. I spent a few months trying my hand at being a chef. And now I’ve just spent another year in service. That’s 7 going on 8 years seemingly wasted. Personally, I think all that time was very important, but more traditionally career driven people would say I’ve be squandering my time away, the might call me a loser or say I’m lazy. Without all that exploratory time I wouldn’t be heading toward my passion as I am now. I could have settled into a financially comfortable job that paid the bills, but I would have been miserable.

I will say though,  there are moments that I completely lament all the time that’s passed. I see friends or people younger than me settled in their lives and careers, some married with kids, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. It’s a big trade off, a worthwhile one in my opinion, but a trade off nonetheless.

 

MONEY:

This kind of goes in hand with time, but also has it’s own problem set. When you’re spending a lot of time trying to figure out where you fit, you spend a lot of time in low paid positions. Constantly having entry level or service jobs means that you’re not really growing, and not making more money. It’s also easy to slip into an employment gap and have no income. All that can easily result in not having anything saved.

Then there’s the possibility that you might fall into the abyss of credit and unnecessary spending, as I did. That complied with my lack of consistent income is just rough. My debt looms over my head constantly, and it’s hard accepting that I can’t do anything about it. It’s one of the biggest obstacles I face when trying to figure out my future. I’m in a class now that forced me to add another big chunk to my debt because I couldn’t afford tuition and needed a loan. I know it’ll be worth it, but it’s really frustrating knowing that I have to keep spending money if I ever want to make money and pay everything off.

 

EMOTIONAL DISTRESS:

You have no money, you hate your job, you have no time to follow your passion, and you feel like you’re never going to reach your dream. The valley of despair starts to feel like home. There’s no way around it. When everything piles up you feel trapped and it’s hard to not think that you’re worthless. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and the gremlins screamed, “You’re a loser! You’ll never do anything right!” Sometimes I even believed them.

You might feel like your parents are disappointed in you. You may have siblings or friends who seem to be so successful, and you can’t help but compare yourself. Maybe your mortal enemy from high school or college is doing well and you feel like you lost some nonexistent war. All that negativity has a huge emotional toll. Anxiety and depression flare up and make it almost impossible to get anything done, and when you try and get rejected you’re so fragile that it only makes things worse.

 

If you’ve found yourself struggling, you are not alone. When we’re lost in our own heads it’s easy to believe that we are the only ones who feel that way, who have ever felt that way. But if you look around, we’re everywhere. The dreamers, the creators, the bleeding hearts. We are the driving force, the agents of change. Our struggles only make us stronger, and when we finally reach our goals we appreciate them more and work harder than if they’d been easily achieved.

I’m in a class for UX design, and I’ve never been happier or more excited. I finally found my thing after years of feeling lost, and wondering if there was a job that would ever satisfy me. I taught myself a lot on my own, took an online course, and now I’m in a classroom surrounded by people like me who refused to settle. We all tried different things, from being scientists to teachers to salespeople and more, but we kept searching for what felt right, and now we’re mere months away from reaching our dreams.

Everything I’ve been through led me to this moment. All the nights I cried myself to sleep, all the jobs I tried, all the things that led me to teach myself new skills took me on this organic path to something I didn’t know I could want this badly.

The dream is worth the cost. Just don’t give up on yourself. EVER.